The Suspicious Old Men In Vans Emporium called. They want their elephant suits back.

29 Dec

I think there was an incident when I enjoyed listening to Coldplay. We were driving back from Vortex on a Sunday afternoon and some of X&Y was on my friend’s playlist, and it was very nice and mellow and happy. Then again, I was in a bit of a post-trance-party coma, so EVERYTHING seemed wonderful and mellow and happy…

Generally, though, I dislike Coldplay and find it bizarre that Mylo Xyloto has been such a hit with so many of my musical friends. Its melodies are generic to the point of laziness, their lyrics are uninteresting and watered down with ohs, ahs and copiously-repeated choruses (not to mention the nauseating “para-para-paradise” refrain) and in affording the band’s sound mixers with live strings recordings one may as well feed Camembert to a donkey, because the violin parts have been processed to sound about as synthetic as the “fruit juice” they serve in the dining halls at RU.

Despite its annoying aforementioned chorus, the music video for “Paradise” presents the song’s concept in an imaginative way, constructing a parallel between the existence of hope in a crushing, destructive society and that of a caged animal in a zoo. Unfortunately, the elephant suits used in the video look like they were picked up at the Suspicious Old Men In Vans Who Offer Children Chocolate For No Apparent Reason Emporium. The wonky faces and dark, leering, soulless eyes of those elephants obstructed the video’s intended emotional experience for me.

With regards to Mylo Xyloto: the album’s perplexing “Is it Ancient Greek..? Is it Gibberish..?” title, I think Coldplay are going to have to be a lot more avant-garde with their music – or at least their lyrics – to artfully pull of that level of Dadaism.

Watery lyrics, unoriginal melodies and and ill-fitting title and elephant suits aside, this album does have one or two good tracks. “Us against the World”, for example, would probably make a beautiful Iron and Wine cover.

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3 Responses to “The Suspicious Old Men In Vans Emporium called. They want their elephant suits back.”

  1. Thomas James Mathew 30 December 2011 at 1:14 AM #

    For a while I was wondering whether this was a rant or a review.

    Actually, I lied: I’m still not sure.

    Either way, I enjoyed reading it – your turn of phrase is great!

  2. bagheadkelly 28 January 2012 at 8:00 PM #

    I concur – your turn of phrase is great – there are two in there that I will definitely pilfer.

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